The Highly Confidential Journal of Paine
by Changed to avoid recognition
Summary: Paine's always had an interesting outlook on things, hasn't she? Well, now you can view the plot as seen from her eyes...with a humorous twist. Chapter 14 is now up, so quit yer moanin'.
1. New Career Moves Mean Stupid Coworkers

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy X-2 or any of the characters in it. Hah! Try and sue me _now_, Square!

Square Lawyers: "...Dammit!"

Paine: "Just get on with the story. Better yet, don't, and save us all the trouble of doing so."

Whoah, whoah, whoah. You're not getting away THAT easily.

Paine "..."

* * *

ENTRY ONE:

Taking a new career path today. I'm becoming a sphere hunter. Not by choice, mind you: I'm trying to pay off my debt to some bastard Hypello who claims that I "deshtroyed hish shoopufsh", and now I have to pay medical expenses "...or yoush will be in big trubbable". It's not like it's _my_ fault that I nearly killed the damn thing. It should have moved out of the path of my sword quicker.

Stupid things creep me out.

Anyways, this leads to me having new coworkers. So far on the crew I've met Buddy, Brother, Rikku, Shinra, and Barkeep. Buddy is alright, actually. It's the rest that are hard to deal with. Shinra, for one, keeps trying to impress everyone with his "intellect", and when he doesn't have the answer for a question, he states "...I'm just a kid". In that full-body suit, he could be a 35 year old midget and we wouldn't know the difference, so I'm starting to have my doubts.

Rikku is too..._girly._ She always so bubbly and hyper. Evidently she thinks that's a positive trait. I don't think she's ever heard of having too much of a good thing. I may have to "pick her up" off the deck of the Celcius and "set her down" on a hard surface a mile below us.

Barkeep is okay. I, for one, can't tell the difference between a Hypello and an oversized blue frog. They're all the same to me. You've seen one Hypello, you've seen 'em all, I guess.

...Don't even get me _started_ on Brother.

You might say I'm being a bit bitter for someone who just got a job as a sphere hunter. I say, cram it. If you spent a day with these guys, you would be, too.

-Paine

ENTRY TWO:

We've pulled another weirdo into our pool of unfortune. Another crew member joined today. It's the High Summoner, Yuna. I thought, ah! At last! Perhaps someone who saved Spira from unrelenting destruction and pain could have some sanity.

Nope.

The whole day, she refused to shut up about some blonde blitzer. On and on and on. Says his name was Tidus, or something. Throwing her into the crowd, our days on the Celcius will now read as follows.

Yuna: "We need to find my boyfriend!"

Brother: "Stuff your stupid fancy-pantsy blondie boy! We are sphere hunters now!"

Rikku: " insert random nonsensical babble here "

Shinra: "...But I'm just a kid..."

Me: -draws picture of Brother in a dress, yelling "I am a fruit!"-

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

At least something positive happened today, however. I'm taking place in a game that may help me repay my Hypello debts sooner. The person who goes the longest without saying the word "Tidus" wins the money pool. All I can say is that if Rikku's only way around it is to replace the word with "you-know-who", I'm going to own this game faster than you can say "Tobli on crack".

-Paine out.

ENTRY THREE:

Some half-dressed blonde psycho made off with Yuna's Garment Grid today. Why she can't keep a closer eye on things, I don't know. Then again, if you dress in clothing as skimpy as she and Rikku dress in, you probably deserve to have things stolen from you. Frankly, I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle. I guess from the looks of my wardrobe, I'm not really one to talk. At least I wear pants, though.

So now we're chasing her down in a desperate attempt to get back all our dress spheres, including that Songstress one. At least we didn't have to do much for it, and the only cost to pay was my very dignity. I suppose that after joining the Gullwings, I wasn't really using it, anyway.

Let's just hope we can find that impostor and get this done quickly.

-Paine, signing off.

ENTRY FOUR:

Well, we finally caught up with that Yuna impostor today. Had to dress the real Yuna in the "Gullwings' Prized Garment" to sneak her into Luca. I can only imagine how terrible that must have been: Brother wore it before her, and Yevon only _knows_ what he did with it. I don't even want to think about it.

The fake Yuna was evidently putting on some kind of concert. Where _does_ she get ideas like that? If I was going to have people think you were the all-powerful, greatly respected High Summoner and savior of Spira for a week or two, I think I'd do more than just hold some weird, one-song concert in Luca. I'd probably use it to my advantage to score some free stuff. You know, some food or drinks or something. Maybe some coupons. Hey, there were some Al Bhed who wanted to give Yuna a hover free of charge the other day, maybe I could...

Wait..._what am I thinking?!_

Ugh. I need some erasable ink.

...So anyways, as you can imagine, the whole deal went like this:

Real Yuna: -swelters-

Fake Yuna: -sings-

Rikku and I: -infiltrates-

Guards: Attack!

Rikku: -spies-

Guard: Hey!

Rikku: -punches-

Guard: I AM DEAD

Other Guard: Hey, you!

Me: -punch, spin kick, railing slide-

Other Guard: I DIE NOW

Hover: Zzzzzzwoooooaaaaarm!

Fake Yuna: -annoys-

Goons: -fail-

Me: -awkward comment-

Real Yuna: -cowers by crate-

Henchmen: Grr!

Real Yuna: -matrix flip-

Enemies: We die!

And so on and so forth.

-Paine, last hope for Gullwing sanity


	2. Incest And Other Family Traditions

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Just the witty things they say.

Shinra: "Way to toot your own horn."

...Shut up, you.

* * *

ENTRY FIVE:

Located another sphere today. It wasn't much, but evidently it makes for a useful dress sphere. Oh, joy...another outfit to embarrass myself with.

I won't be giving it up anytime soon, though...it was one huge-ass trek up Mt. Gagazet to get to it. And that giant spider! It really gave me the creeps. Seriously, why does there always need to be some huge obstacle right before we can actually _get_ a sphere? We even had to beat down that blondie impostor in order to find it first. I believe she said her name is Leblanc. Good...now I at least have a name to put on my "To Harm" list. Hell, I think I'll update that right now.

TO HARM:

-Bastard hypello

-Brother

-Rikku

-Shinra

-That annoying little kid from that Sphere Break commercial

-The guy who ripped me off and sold me a Lure Bracer as a Charm Bangle

-Leblanc

...Boy, I really need to start cracking down on these people. I should probably put Brother up there twice, now that I think about it. That idiot jumped ship during our sphere hunt and tried hitting on Yuna afterwards. There's something very wrong with that. I can't quite tell what's so awkward about it...it's mostly just intuition. I'm sure I'll find out eventually.

-The one and only, Paine.

ENTRY SIX:

We detected two spheres today. Personally, I thought we should take the day off, and for once, the rest of the crew followed my advice. Brother gave us all a short break before heading out after the spheres, and now here I am, writing in this journal. It's pretty amusing, since I'm also sitting on one of the beds watching Yuna trying to hold an intelligent conversation with Barkeep. Needless to say, it's not going very well.

Barkeep: "Mish Yoona, what can I do for yoo?"

Yuna: "...What did you say?"

Barkeep: "I shaid, what can eye doo for yew?"

Yuna: "I'm sorry, I just can't seem to understand you..."

Barkeep: "...Jeesh. Jush forget itsh. Yoo ish shtoopider zan zee shoopuf, yesh?"

Yuna: "Huh?!"

Barkeep: "...Nothingsh, nothingsh."

Yuna: "..."

She should just give up already. She's obviously not getting anywhere. She's better off trying to talk to someone that doesn't require translating, like Shinra, or Rikku...speaking of which, where is Rikku? I saw her running off somewhere with a bag of candy when Brother gave us the OK for some down time, but I haven't seen her since. I should go find her...I'll be right back.

...Okay, I found Rikku. She was on the deck of the Celcius, snorting some sugary candy thing she calls "Pixie sticks". She sort of laughed hesitantly, and then offered me one.

I swear, if she wasn't the captain's sister, I'd...

Wait a minute.

Okay, Brother likes Yuna. If Rikku and Yuna are cousins, and Brother and Rikku are siblings, then wouldn't that make Yuna and Brother...

...Oh, sweet Yevon.

I think I'm going to be sick.

-Paine. Horribly disgusted Paine.

ENTRY SEVEN:

Break over. I think I'm almost done being terrified by the whole Brother/Yuna thing.

...Oh, wait. There it is again.

Ugh...at least I got my mind off it for part of the day. We finally went out on our sphere hunt. The target location was Besaid, so Yuna was able to catch up with all her old friends on the island. I must say, that Wakka is...interesting. If he's really going to be a father, that baby is in for a rough ride. Many near-death experiences in store.

You know, for a pregnant woman, Lulu is way too thin. Hell, she's too thin for a _normal_ woman. I wonder what keeps her from flying away in the island breeze...must be all those buckles on her dress. Hm.

I guess I should probably stop bashing the island inhabitants and get down to what really matters...the sphere hunt. The sphere routine itself was normal: Hiking and trekking, solve a puzzle, travel down a long corridor, find sphere, get into a fight, a winner is you. What makes it interesting is that this sphere could also be used as a dress sphere, and a somewhat useful one, at that. White Mage healing powers can really come in handy, I hear. I've never had to heal my allies, but you know what they say: "A friend in need is a friend to waste mana on". I mean, "a friend indeed". Yeah. Indeed.

-P


	3. Those Poor, Poor Chocobos

Disclaimer: Square Characters **Not Own.**

...And many thanks to all the reviewers. I had no idea that positive comments and praise would pour in so quickly. oO Today's chapter varies from the story a bit, as I allow the characters to go places in between getting the second sphere and the Awesome Sphere, which probably will make its debut next chapter.

Brother: Get on with it, crazy lady!

How dare you call me crazy! draws gun

Brother: ...Leaving now.

Damn straight.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ENTRY EIGHT:

Okay, okay. Out of Besaid we go.

Today's lovely little journeys led us to Zanarkand. Let me tell you, I have never before seen a place go from sacred to psychotic so quickly. All those tourists...they were like sheep. Only, you know, much less soft. I can't say that I cared much for the attendants, either. It was always "_Fabulous_ this!" and "_Fabulous_ that!". You know what's really _fabulous,_ lady? You, stuck on the business end of my sword. _That's _fabulous.

Not to mention we ran into a former summoner on the way. Name's Isaaru. Evidently, he knew Yuna on his pilgrimage. All I can say is that I really, really feel sorry for Yuna now. What a _fruit_. That guy's a few Aeons away from a full Summoning, if you know what I mean. I mean, working for a guy like Cid is proof of insanity enough, but you really can't spend more than 2 minutes seeing him at "work" before you want to wrap him in a straight jacket and throw him into a padded cell.

Speaking of Cid, I'm really starting to wonder what's up with that guy. Really, who blows up their Home and gets happy about it? At least he ditched that whole Airship-riding deal. I hear he was acting like a mentally ill cowboy.

...Wow. Now I just _pity_ him.

-Good 'ol Paine.

ENTRY NINE:

Well, we grabbed that sphere out of Zanarkand. Rather, that _half_ sphere. We went all that way and faced Spira's greatest threat (the idiots, not the sphere guardian)...for _nothing._ Nothing at all! ...Boy, Zanarkand _sucks_.

Earlier today, we headed off to Bikanel Desert because we heard there was some kind of digging thing going on. It wasn't my idea: if you ask me, Yuna really needs to come to terms with the fact that we are _sphere_ hunters. We can't be running around doing everyone else's dirty work. Anyways, upon our arrival, we met some crazy lady named Nhadala who tells us we need a letter from Gippal to start digging. Hell, I coulda forged that right then and there, lady. But _nooooooo_, we've got to haul ourselves all the way over to Djose.

So now here we are, sitting outside the temple. We've just finished talking to Gippal, and he's been acting crazier than ever. I think that if he wasn't leader of the Machine Faction, Yuna probably would have choked him. Or clubbed him with some blunt object. Pfft, she could have left that to me.

Gippal: ...You!

Me: Name's Paine.

Gippal: Um...

Me: We're here for the interview.

Gippal: Riiiiight...the _interview_...hardly noticeable wink

Me: -mentally slaps Gippal-

Rikku seems to be getting along just _fine_ with Gippal, if you ask me. She denies that there's anything between her and Gippal, but really, she couldn't have made it more obvious if she tore off his shirt and threw him to the ground in a fit of passion.

I think I'll have to stop for now. That last sentence made me a little sick.

-Eww. Just..._eww_.

ENTRY TEN:

Visited Bevelle today. We saw Baralai, of course, but he hardly spoke to me. He's probably still embarrassed over that whole thing in the Crimson Squad. I don't blame him, though...Gippal _was_ being a bit of an idiot.

Baralai: Hey! Give it back!

Gippal: What are you gonna do about it, huh?

Baralai: Just...agh! Give it back already!

Me: Gippal, just give the man his teddy bear. It'll make things easier for all of us.

Nooj: Will you all _shut up_?! I'm trying to plot my own death!

Me: ...Seriously?

Gippal: ...You know, you're one creepy guy sometimes, Nooj.

Nooj: Shut up before I stab your good eye out. And give Baralai his pathetic bear back. He looks like a whipped puppy over there.

Baralai: ...Snoogums is _not_ pathetic!

Gippal: Fine, fine. –gives back bear-

Baralai: on, Snoogums, we don't need these guys. –sulks off-

...Wow. My past is more disturbing than I thought.

-Dr. P

ENTRY ELEVEN:

Okay, I'm _really_ starting to wonder what's up with the Youth League members. We visited Mushroom Rock Road today, and I don't think any of the members are actually sane. Yaibal is just flat-out annoying, for one: someone needs to hit him with a heavy rock. I'd do it for free.

Elma? Boy, never have I seen someone who looked up to Yuna so much. She's just as annoying as Yaibal, and her personality is just..._odd._ I bet she'd be a good match for Clasko.

Speaking of Clasko, where does someone get such a huge love of chocobos? I mean, the way he talks about them, it's like he's in love. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he was. Have you heard that guy talking to a chocobo? I really think there's something else going on, there. In his spare time, he probably looks for chocobos and...

...Excuse me. These thoughts are too much. I'll be right back.

Okay. I really need to stop making myself ill over this journal. That's gotta be, what? The third, maybe fourth time? Ugh.

I think I've written enough today. And may Clasko and the chocobos never enter my mind again.

-Paine. Chocobo-free since...well, forever.


	4. Free Drinksh For All!

Disclaimer: If you didn't know it by now, you don't deserve to be here...I don't own any of the Final Fantasy characters, blah blah blah, I'm not going to buy them just for this story, you know the drill.

Benzo: Except for me! I'm on sale for 1300 gil!

JB: Benzo, I wouldn't buy you if you were on fire...

Benzo: That...doesn't make any sense...

JB: Well, that's the gist of it.

* * *

ENTRY TWELVE:

Today fared slightly better than I thought it would, actually. We discovered that the Youth League and New Yevon were arguing over an "awesome sphere". So, of course, we stopped on in to wreck the party for everyone in Kilika.

Once we got through the checkpoint at entrance to the forest, it took forever to get through those woods. Gates, guards, and idiots everywhere. You'd think they could run around aimlessly in a way that wouldn't hinder our progress, but I suppose you can't rely too much on life being easy if you're a sphere hunter. After we got through all those damn trees, we hit another checkpoint: this time, we needed passwords. Thankfully, Rikku got distracted by something shiny and we overheard some guards saying the password when we chased after her. I suppose a short attention span has its advantages, after all.

So, we climb up all those stairs to the temple platform, and I'm thinking that our job is over. We can find the sphere now. _Suuuuuuuuuure_. You just keep holding onto that disillusionment, Paine. ...No, we were FAR from over. The temple went and ordered itself some machine from headquarters in Bevelle, just to guard itself from the Youth League.

I swear, the next time we go visit Bevelle, I am kicking Baralai's ass.

One long battle with an overgrown pile of rocks and it's all over. We just grab the sphere and haul on over to the Celcius, since Buddy brought it up to the temple to pick us up. I don't get why he couldn't have just dropped us off there in the first place to save us a lot of trouble. Who knows? Maybe he was too busy getting some drinks from Barkeep.

...As disturbing as the mental image of a drunken Buddy is, I think I'm going to stick to that theory.

-Paine, sphere hunter.

ENTRY THIRTEEN:

Well, everyone watched the awesome sphere. I can't say as it was much interest to me, though...all I knew was that Yuna recognized the guy in it and that the machine in the background could kick Brother's ass and whip him into a fine paste. Which doesn't say much, really.

Brother decided that we should give back the sphere, after much deliberation and stupidity. I didn't go to all that trouble just to throw it back at one of the groups and say "Oh, here you go! Sorry we pissed you off and stole the one thing you wanted most in life! Have a nice day! ". I was about to smash the sphere right over his head when Yuna thought that this would be a good a time as ever to astound me entirely and _agree with Brother._ Just a couple of minutes earlier, she was all whiney about her weirdo deadboy, and now she just passes it off with an "Oh, it's cool. I haven't seen him in two years, and I may never find him again, but sure, we can give the sphere back". How..._uncharacteristic_. I know it fits Yuna somehow, but it just doesn't seem right with me.

So, we'll be returning the awesome sphere tomorrow. At least we're having a party later tonight to make up for it. It had better damn well be a good one, or I am personally going to crash this airship and everyone on it.

Stupid lousy mood...

-Paine. Just shut up.

ENTRY FOURTEEN:

Whoo, what a _night_.

We started it off with that whole "Yuna dancing" thing. Rikku went up there, too...they wanted me to join them, but I declined. Rather, the threat of stabbing them declined for me.

So, anyways, they're up there singing and dancing and looking like fools, and evidently having a great time. You should have seen the look in Brother's eyes. That perv. He even tried to talk to Yuna afterwards.

Brother: Yuna! You're dancing was terrific!

Yuna: Oh, um, Brother...

Brother: It was astounding! It rocked me to my core.

Yuna: ...Brother?

Brother: Yuna, this dance...never before have I experienced anything so...so...amazing!

Yuna: Brother...

Brother: You need to dance again for us all sometime! I am sure that your dance alone would be able to...

Yuna: Brother!

Brother: Oh! ...Yes, Yuna?

Yuna: My eyes are up here. -points to her face-

Brother: Oh, uh...heh heh. I...think I'll just be...going now...

Yuna: ...

Sicko. After that, Yuna left a bit early...she just broke out in a fit of rage, yelling about some girl named Lenne that her supposed boyfriend mentioned. In my opinion, I really don't think he would cheat on Yuna. I mean, if a guy looks as girly as that man did, how would he even get _two_ women, much less one?

It's too bad that she went to bed so soon, because after she left, the real party started. Barkeep started giving everyone free drinks. Of course, that was just asking for trouble right there. Before you know it, almost everyone on the ship, including the musicians, is totally sloshed; Brother and Rikku especially.

Rikku: I am _so_ drunk right now.

Buddy: -singing- I feel pretty...oh so pretty...

Rikku: Hey, anyone got some Pixie Sticks? I forgot to buy more when we stopped for candy.

Brother: We never stopped for candy! We bought weapons!

Rikku: Then what did I eat? ...Oh, no...I think I'm gonna hurl. –throws up-

Me: Eww...I was wondering where that White Ring went...

Shinra: ...You know, I'm _glad_ I'm just a kid.

Pukara: All these drinks and no gil spent, no wonder where my sobriety went!

Barkeep: Eye've gotsh more drinksh, ebberibuddy! I mean..."elixshursh"?

Rikku: Whooooooo...I'll take...another...-passes out-

Tobli: Wow! So much alcohol, so little time, yessir, yessir indeed! You know, if I had all these drinks I shouldn't still be talking so fast, fast, fast! How logically illogical!

Shinra: Um, as the only sober person here, I would like to raise an important question...

Brother: -hic- Shoot...

Shinra: If we're all up here...who's piloting the ship?

Buddy: ...We are sooooooooo dead. –keels over-

Me: 1000 gil says I can pilot this thing.

Barkeep: ...You're on, shishter!

You know? Maybe Yuna did make the right choice by going to bed early...

-Hungover Paine

So what did you think? XD

I didn't continue this chapter further because I wasn't sure who I should give the sphere to in this story...New Yevon or Youth League? I'm tipping toward Youth League so I can make fun of the scene in the Den of Woe, but let me know what you think, anyway. Even if I ignore you entirely. You know...or something similar.


	5. Respect Points Have No Cash Value

Disclaimer: What do you _think_ I'm going to put here? The Final Fantasy Characters aren't mine, and so on and so forth. This part is so boring...let's spice it up.

Ever drink Red Bull, or any other energy drink for that matter? They taste like crap. Expensive crap, I might add. And they give you so little! It's such a rip-off...does anyone ever actually feel more energized after they drink it? I'm telling you, it's a god damned conspiracy...

Entire Cast: "**...Get on with it!"**

...Fine, fine. XP

May I present to my lovely readers who have given me nothing but good reviews (and I reiterate: WHOAMFG!!!!111!11!11!ONE!1!1!!SHIFT!11!), Chapter 5.

...I name them after I write them. o.O

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ENTRY FIFTEEN:

So, after that whole ordeal yesterday, we're finally giving back the sphere. Thank Trema that we finally are...I don't think we could take much more partying. I think even Rikku did something with Barkeep that she would rather not mention.

As it turns out, Yuna was the one who had to make the decision. Brother appears to be too much of a fool to even take care of his actual _job_ as leader of the Gullwings. We're probably better off that way: if Brother made the decision, it would likely have ended up getting lost or going to some group that doesn't even _exist_. He would take too long, too...Yuna's making up her mind as I write.

Well, it looks she chose the Youth League. I suppose I shouldn't have any regrets about it...it's not my choice to make. Either way, I was going to lose a friend. The only difference here is that I'm losing what appeared to be my only _sane_ friend. I mean, seriously: Gippal is just weird, Yuna is in her own little world, Rikku never had sanity in the first place, and Nooj _shot me_. I mean, what kind of friend does that? "Oh, we're breaking up the group, here's a farewell present for you, -BANG!-". I suppose maybe this time around he'll at least get a chance to apologize.

At any rate, we're leaving soon. I'll write again after our visit.

-Paine, Unwilling Bullet Sponge

ENTRY SIXTEEN:

We just finished up our trip to Mushroom Rock Road. We gave up the sphere, but being there really made me regret Yuna's choice in political groups. Yaibal came running up to us, yelling some nonsense about us joining the Youth League and "what a proud day it was for all of them". Sweet lying Yevon, someone needs to smack that man before I hurt him myself. As you would expect to result from this, the rumors of us forming an alliance with the Youth League ran faster than a flaming Rikku.

Note to self: Try that sometime.

Once we made our way to headquarters, we handed over the sphere to Nooj, and he gave us the story on Vegnagun. He claims that Baralai and New Yevon are hiding it from Spira, trying to keep it to itself, saying that his only purpose in this matter is to destroy the giant machina. Quite frankly, I don't believe him as far as I can throw him. Which is nowhere _near_ as far as I can kick Shinra.

Out of curiosity, Yuna insisted that afterwards, we visit the bottom of the ravine leading to the Youth League HQ. Of course, this is the location of an event in time that I hold very close, always wondering why it had to happen. Yes, I'm talking about the Den of Woe. At least, that's what they call it now. I'd rather not have thought of it then, but I couldn't tell Yuna and Rikku about what happened...so, I had to go along with it.

When we got down there, we found that someone had beaten us to it: that someone was none other than Nooj himself. He was trying to open the sealed door, but of course, didn't have the power to do so. In return for "agreeing" to help open up the Den (I certainly didn't agree to it), he handed me one of the old spheres I recorded back in the Squad. Evidently, it takes all 10 of the spheres to open it up. Nooj went and commented on how he believed fate had brought us together once again in the Den (You know what's fate? My foot being fated to connect to his ass, _that's_ fate), and left.

Just as anyone would suspect, Rikku just _had_ to say something.

She caught on to our little chat, and gave me an interrogation on my past. Oh, boy, how _great_. I could just feel my heart keeping with joy, and the same sarcasm that I relay onto this journal now.

There was a lot of pointless talk and wasted breath, but in a recap of the situation, I break it down like this:

Rikku: Wait, did you know him?

Me: ...

Yuna: Whoamygosh!

Me: ...What's wrong with you people?

Rikku: Paine and Nooj, sittin' in a tree...

Me: Give me 5 good reasons why I shouldn't slaughter you where you stand. And the first four don't count.

Rikku: But...I can only think of four...

Me: ..._Exactly_. -pulls sword out of nowhere-

Yuna: Wait! But I want to know more first!

Rikku: Me too!

Me: ...Minus 3 respect points.

Rikku: How many now?

Me: Uh...(insert somewhat low number here)

Rikku: That's not a lot, huh?

Me: Damn straight.

...I don't think that she's caught on to the fact that I don't actually _tally up_ respect points. I just sort of throw a number at her and watch her whine about it. It's kind of funny, really...I don't think she's intelligent enough to do the math. That girl has some _serious_ attention span problems. If she doesn't like the situation we're in, she just waits 10 seconds. "What? Giant fiends?! Oh, poopie! How in the world are we going to...hey, a penny!".

Maybe I should actually use these respect points for something. Perhaps I could bargain with Barkeep to use respect points like actually currency. Then I can just credit myself with 1000 points, maybe head on down to the bar...

...Oh, the _things I dream_.

-Paine. Twenty million journal points!

ENTRY SEVENTEEN:

That stupid, shoopuf-screwing, sphere stealing, hellspawn bitch of a...agh, words can't even _describe_ how pissed I am!

While we were out giving back the sphere to Nooj, Leblanc and her goons busted into the ship and stole our half-sphere. Sure, it may have been worthless to us, but it's the fact that she took it straight out of our grasp that really gets me! I mean, how does she even pull off something like that? Where were Brother, and Buddy? What could possibly have pulled them out of their line of duty to protect the ship and all of our...

Hold it. I just spotted a "Free Drinksh" sign that Barkeep must have put up. Well, that explains _everything_.

So, while our two main "guards" were off drinking in the _middle of the afternoon_, Leblanc just waltzed on in and grabbed our stuff? Unbelievable.

...I just talked to Yuna and the rest of the crew. It seems like we're going to sneak into Chateau Leblanc and grab back our half-sphere. Since we need disguises, I suppose that means we have to steal them from the Fem-Goons.

Wow, I hate my job.

...Nevertheless, the Syndicate stole our property, and we are sure as hell getting it back. Of course, you know that this means that it is downright, flat-out, _asskicking time_.

-Paine, Spiteful and Revenge-Driven

----------

Whew. That chapter kind of sucked. I wrote it so late at night...I blew all the best potential for the Den of Woe scene and I let you all down! Nooooooooooo!

Don't worry. I'll force myself to make up for it. After all, the next chapter is the hunt for the Syndicate, and since I need to make fun of the game as much as possible, you know what that means:

...I must type up the **Hot Springs Scene**.

Damn you fanboy readers! Damn you to hell!

-JB


	6. Perversion, Revenge, All In One Chapter!

The following Disclaimer is brought to you by Shinra's Al Bhed Inventions, Inc. "Don't like our product? What did you expect? I'm just a kid!"

And now, back to our regularly scheduled Disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I. Don't. Own. The Square characters.

So cram it and keep reading.

----

ENTRY EIGHTEEN:

Rise and shine, 'cause it's _payback time_.

Today we're starting out our hunt for the Syndicate, and I've got a feeling that those damned Goons are going to learn the true meaning of pain. From me. You know, Paine. Except without the "e". Because that's how you really spell "pain". I mean, as in the kind inflicted on your central nervous system, not the person.

...Wow, I really failed, there. Let me start over:

Today we're starting out our hunt for the Syndicate, and I've got a feeling that those damned Goons are going to learn the true meaning of pain, from Paine. We're all set up and ready to head out at any time. Buddy claims not to have any leads on the Syndicate members, but I heard him muttering the locations in his sleep. I don't even want to know _what _he did to get that information, but nevertheless, those thoughts will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Our first stop down the line is Gagazet. I take it that Yuna knows someone there from her pilgrimage. Apparently, he's the Ronso elder. Perhaps I can bribe him into letting me stay on the mountain, away from all these insane people...

Oh, looks like we're there. I'll try to write again after we get the uniforms.

-Paine. Maybe a future Ronso. We'll see.

ENTRY NINETEEN:

Okay. Forget the Ronso. They are _just as bad_.

What the hell is _wrong_ with them? First of all, most of them looked like they wanted to seriously hurt me. I don't blame them...if some sphere hunter came into the mountain where I lived and defiled it, and they were less than half my size, I'd stomp on them, too.

Secondly, what's with the broken speech? If they're speaking a second language, I would understand it, but as far as I know, there is no such language as Ronso. Maybe they think speaking in incomplete sentences makes them look tougher. If that's the case, they should know that it's not working.

Well, at least we found the Syndicate members. And about time, too...that was one long-ass haul up the side of the mountain. Just when I thought we had 'em, Yuna insisted that we keep climbing. "Ooh, it's only about 20 more feet!" she said. "Let's see if we can sneak up on them!" she said. Suuuuure. Tell you what, Yuna. _You_ trek up the side of the rocky crag, I'll go in and just kick some ass.

Of course, Yuna's word is evidently the law for the Gullwings, so we had to follow. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that much more of a climb. However, once we hit the rock overlooking the spring, it all went down from there. Literally.

The rock we were standing on crashed into the spring, scaring off the Syndicate members. They left their uniforms behind, though, so I guess some good came out of it.

_Some_ good.

You see, after that whole escapade, Yuna (bright as she is) suggested that we go for a swim in the hot springs. I thought, meh, sure, what harm could come of that? Besides Rikku, of course. I even made sure to sit far away from her in the springs, but she still crawls her perverted ass over to me. I swear, if I had my sword nearby, she would have been gutted so fast that she'd be dead before she hit the water.

Rikku: Wohhhhh! Hah! Look at Paine!

Me: -gouges eyes-

Rikku: ...Oh, well.

Me: I'm going to beat the shit out of her. Care to help?

Yuna: ...Sure!

Rikku: Awww...no way!

Yuna and I: Yes way!

Rikku: ...Poopie.

Me: -punch, kick, pummel, maul, maim, slaughter, terrorize, strike, pound, batter, beat-

Brother: What's going on?

Yuna: We're taking a dip.

Brother: Wohhhhhhh! I'll be right down.

Me: Not a chance in Yevon.

Buddy: Amazing kung-fu grip! -thwack!-

YRP: ...WTF?

Buddy: He was out cold before he even wobbled.

Me: ...

I swear, if she _ever_ pulls anything like that again, she will pay dearly. I'm exacting my revenge even as I write.

-Paine, evil plans and all.

ENTRY TWENTY:

Rikku is about to experience the most humiliating moment of her entire _life_.

In my planning for revenge on Rikku due to the hot springs fiasco, I'm about to embarrass the _hell_ out of her. Yuna even helped me, which surprised me somewhat. It took all day, but I finally thought of the perfect plan to get back on her...

Dream hypnosis.

When everyone went to bed, Yuna and I stayed up with a sphere camera and snuck over to Rikku. I'd try to explain how absolutely _hilarious_ it was, but...well, it's best described by writing up a transcript of the whole event.

Me: ...Okay, got the camera ready?

Yuna: Wait. How do I turn it on again?

Me: Ugh...that button over there.

Yuna: Why aren't you doing the recording?

Me: Because I _said so_. Now, are you going to help or shall I repeat the plan on you later?

Yuna: ...Eep!

Me: You remember the plan, right?

Yuna: Uh...we're manipulating Rikku's dreams, right?

Me: Exactly. Now, sit back and watch the master. Are you sure she's asleep?

Yuna: Looks like sleep to me.

Me: Good. Now, keep recording. Ahem...Rikku?

Rikku: -still asleep- Mmmphr...uhhhhmmmmm...who...who's there?

Me: It's me..._Gippal_.

Rikku: Gippal...is that you?

Me: Yes, Rikku. Oh, how I've missed you so much. Every day without you is like a plague upon my soul.

Rikku: Oooooohhhhhh...Gi...Gippal...

Yuna: -whispering- (Is she buying it?)

Me: (Looks that way. I can't imagine why...Gippal doesn't sound like this at _all_.)

Yuna: (Hmm...let's keep going, anyway.)

Me: Right. Rikku...

Rikku: Mmmmmm...Gippal?

Me: Yes, Rikku?

Rikku: Why...why are you here...Gippal...

Me: To tell you how I really feel, Rikku. (Yuna, I can't take much more of this. I think I'm gonna throw up.)

Yuna: (It was _your_ plan.)

Me: (Ugh...let's just get it over with.) Rikku...your hair...it is like gazing into an endless field of sunflowers...(Ugh, kill me now, Yuna...)

Rikku: Oh, Gippal...

Me: Your eyes...ah, your eyes! Those swirling pools of green gazing back at me...time after time, it takes my breath away...(This is too weird...)

Yuna: (...Yeah. Better finish anyway. She might regain consciousness soon.)

Me: (Right.) Ah, Rikku...my dearest Rikku...

Rikku: Gippal...oh, Gippal...

Me: Rikku...

Rikku: Gippal...

Me: Rikku...(Jeez, how long can she go on like this?)

Yuna: (Pfft. I don't know, I've never done this before. Let's just hurry, I feel guilty for torturing my cousin.)

Me: (Suuuuuuure you do.)

Yuna: (What!)

Me: (Nothing, nothing.) Oh, Rikku...

Rikku: Oh, Gippal...kiss me, you fool...

Me: Anything for you, my love. -places a moogle doll in her arms-

Rikku: -proceeds to make out with the moogle doll-

Me: (This has singlehandedly got to be the most _hilarious_ blackmail _ever_.)

Yuna: (Even I don't like being so mean...but it's so _funny!_)

Me: (Wow, you're sounding a lot more evil today.)

Yuna: (Yeah, I guess it must be the spite left over from the hot springs.)

Me: (That's why you helped, isn't it?)

Yuna: (Yeah, but...she owes me 500 gil, too.)

Me: (Oh, alright. Better get Lulu's doll back...she's using her tongue.)

Yuna: (Ewww...)

Me: (Ugh. I don't even want to be _near_ that thing now.)

Yuna: (Let's just get out of here.)

Me: (Yeah, let's.)

Yuna and I: -turn off sphere camera, haul ass-

Oh, revenge is _sweet_. Much like that sugar candy Rikku's obsessed with. I stole one while we were in her room...they're actually pretty good. Mmm.

-Paine. Muahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

----

Whew, another chapter over. Hope you liked it. It's easy to make fun of things now, sure, but I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when I reach the later sections of the plot, where Paine actually starts to like everyone and encounters all the situations she's really serious about, i.e. the Den of Woe.

cowers in fear of writer's block

No! Not the block! Anything but the _block_! Nooooooooooooooooooo!

-JB


	7. Smashing Your Fanbase Is The Way To Go

My apologies for the long break. I've been fairly busy lately with my birthday fast approaching, and I nearly forgot about this fic entirely.

Note to gothic-rikku: I'm from America. Finally, something good comes out of the States...wait...what...what are you...oh, god! Patriots! They've got pitchforks! Get them away! Get them _awaaaaaaaaaaay!_

Disclaimer: I don't own Square or any of Square's characters. If you ever thought I did, please...put down the pipe and _stop reading_. 

---

ENTRY TWENTY ONE:

I'm still laughing over last night's revenge. I don't think Rikku quite knows about the blackmail sphere yet...she was still rather dazed when she woke up. I think she still had Moogle fur on her lips.

Me: "Sleep well?"

Rikku: "Better than you could _ever imagine_."

Yuna: "Wow. Must have been that new dish Barkeep made us all for dinner yesterday."

Rikku: "Yeah...must be..." -prances off, singing to herself-

Heh heh heh..._whoooo_. Remind me to do this more often.

Anyways, we've continued on our hunt for the Syndicate uniforms. We tracked down one more outfit on Mushroom Rock Road and another on Bikanel. I'm even wearing mine as I write this. I must say, these are some _damn_ comfy uniforms.

Mushroom Rock Road didn't present too much of a challenge, and we even got to take a break afterwards for some hover riding. We told the attendant we were just going to go to Djose and back, but I think after three hours, she started to get a little anxious. Of course, I ended up being that way, too, since Yuna's hover blew up. Stupid anti-theft devices. So, we took them back and, as Rikku would put it, "shakey-shaked" our way over to Bikanel Island, which is where we are right now. We just finished ripping the other outfit off of Logos and his two assistants for the day, and now we're taking another break before Brother finds out and hauls us back into Crazyland.

For me, this whole "break" thing entails being away from Yuna and Rikku, for at least a brief period of time. I'm not sure where Rikku is _exactly_, but suffice it to say that Gippal was on the island earlier and...well, the next time I saw him, he was looking fairly tired.

Three, two, one, aaaaaaaaand...spit take.

Yuna was even easier to get rid of. The girl can't resist helping people out, so we just used her weakness to our advantage, and...

Me: Yuna, look! Other people's problems that need to be solved!

Yuna: What? Where?! _Where?!_

Me: Over there, on the other side of the desert, in that giant pit that's really really hard to climb out of!

Yuna: I'm on it! -runs off in her standard awkward run that highly resembles a tortoise on meth-

Ah...good times to be had on Bikanel.

-FemGoon. I mean, Paine. Whatever the hell I am these days.

ENTRY TWENTY TWO:

Alright, we've snagged the uniforms and snuck into Leblancs' hideout in Guadosalam. You know, that was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. Either we're getting better at this whole "getting things done" gig, or the Syndicate members are _really_ mindless. Maybe a combination of the two.

Which isn't to say that we're in the clear. Believe me, this is one _awkward_ mission. I think Ormi is winking at me, and Rikku keeps complaining about her uniform giving her, and I quote, "one _super_ sphere-hunter wedgie". Quite frankly, I didn't care to know. Even worse, Yuna got herself stuck in what I can only imagine as being the worst task known to Spira...giving Leblanc a massage. Rikku and I had to wait in the main hall, and from the sounds coming out of that room...well, let's just say I'm rather glad it wasn't me. I know a massage is supposed to be relaxing, but Leblanc was taking it a little too far. Wait, scratch that. WAY too far. Poor Yuna...at least she got the satisfaction of nearly snapping Leblanc's spine in half on several occasions. That bone-crunching noise every now and then didn't sound too pleasant.

You know, if it were me, I think I would have kept a lead pipe within striking distance of Leblanc's skull...just in case.

-No. Just..._no_.

ENTRY TWENTY THREE:

Finally finished beating up on the Syndicate. Waltz in, creepy massage, slaughter Leblanc and henchmen, waltz back out.

Leblanc in tow, of course.

Yes, it's true. She actually _joined_ us. Just walked right onto our airship, like it didn't even matter. It's enough to make you want to punch her in the face...more than you usually do, I mean. So, at the moment, she's sitting in our engine room, waiting for us to get to Bevelle so we can save her "cutsie little Noojie-woojie". I must reiterate..._eeeeech_. How does Nooj even _tolerate_ her, much less take any interest in her whatsoever? I really do pity him.

Don't worry, I'm getting my revenge...I distracted Buddy briefly by telling him that Leblanc had a metal hammer and wasn't afraid to use it on the engine. Never in my life have I seen an Al Bhed run so fast, nor heard so many curses uttered in one breath. While he was out, I tinkered with the navigation system a bit...I'd love to see the surprise on Leblanc's face when she realizes that not only is she not in Bevelle, but rather on the top of one of the Thunder Plains lightning towers. I didn't help recalibrate those suckers in my spare time for nothing, you know.

In the meantime, I'm feeling rather bored, and I just finished checking out Shinra's new computer. I've gotta tell you, of all the strange inventions Shinra's made, nothing is weirder than his newest one: it lets you view information from all over the world, whether you want to see it or not. I was just figuring out how to use it when I find myself at some weird thing which had a bunch of stories on it that people must have written, and a lot of them are about...well, _us!_ In all my days, I have never seen a larger stack of lies than this oblivious crap. Yevon couldn't hold a _candle_ to this stuff. It must be run by some off-beat media corporation, because some of these "stories" have the most mind-rotting collections of words ever, like some horrid tale of a life where Lulu is married to Nooj, and Gippal has a crush on Brother. Of all the mind-raping things I saw, only one was true, and it shocked me beyond all terror: _my journal_. Somehow, someone must have found my journal, read through, and published every last word. I can't imagine who would be sneaky, twisted, and most of all, _stupid_ enough to read my journal, and...wait a minute.

Rikku, drop the book and back away slowly.

-I mean it. Drop it _now_.

ENTRY TWENTY FOUR:

You can't prove anything!

-Rikku

ENTRY TWENTY FIVE:

No, but you just did.

-You stupid idiot.

ENTRY TWENTY SIX:

...Oh, poopie.

-u.u

---

Yes, that's right! I made fun of the other writers! _What are you gonna do about it?!_ XP

Well, it's all for fun, and you should know it. It's just like what they say...the best way to laugh is to laugh at yourself. Whoever the hell "they" is.


	8. Fetch Me The Club Soda, Damn It!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the FF characters, they belong to Square Enix, I don't own Square Enix, that belongs to some CEOs, I don't own the Square Enix CEOs, themselves/their wives own them, I don't own their wives...uh...I don't know _who_ the hell owns the CEOs' wives. oO

Paine: Shut. The hell. _Up._

...Right-o.

Aaaaanyways, I'm kicking off this chapter with a break from the storyline. See, I happen to think that Paine is the most calm, observant, introspective character, able to sit back watch the rest of the world hurry aimlessly; making her the perfect window into everyone else's personalities.

...And then I blow it all for a cheap joke.

Fun being a writer, isn't it?

---------------------------------------------------------

ENTRY TWENTY SEVEN:

Well, Buddy came back to find our course changed completely, and is now fiddling with the consoles to try and get us back on track. It's a bit hard, what with having his hands covered in Syndicate blood. I hear it's the stickiest kind.

So, this gives us all some time to relax and wait for Buddy to kill Brother out of frustration with the controls. Good riddance, I say...yet, at the same time, I am full of regret that we didn't sell him to a lab for testing. Could've gotten _something_ good out of that complete waste of human life.

Now, here I sit on the balcony of the cabin, overlooking the events in everyone else's lives. Rikku, for one, ran out of sugar and is suffering from a total meltdown...I overheard her mumbling something about siphoning blood sugar from her own veins as she rocked back and forth in the corner. It's certainly creeping _me_ out, that's for sure.

Brother, on the other hand, is groaning on and on and on about his "unrequited love" for Yuna/incest in general in Al Bhed. Thinks no one else can tell what he's saying, so he gets the...uh...joy, I suppose, of sitting next to Yuna while commenting on some things I'd rather not mention. I had him wondering why I was giving him horrified glares as I sat on the stairs, polishing the hilt of my sword. Poor Barkeep has to be the one to sit through it _all_...several times now I've seen his hands sliding slowly towards the spot where he keeps his shotgun under the bar. "For the daysh when I jusht can't takesh it anymoresh", he told me. At least when he caves, I get free vodka. Ooh, and those little parasols he puts in the drinks!Yevon, I _love_ those things.

Wait a minute. Leblanc walked in a minute ago...she's arguing with Barkeep, who is now literally shaking with rage. I think he's about to snap...

...And there he goes.

Boy, that's gonna be a _bitch_ to clean off the walls.

-P.

ENTRY TWENTY EIGHT:

Damn it all, Yuna healed Leblanc. Ex-summoners are so...so full of that...that..._virtue_. Man, what a burden _that _is.

Well, we're back on route, annoyances in tow, except that said annoyances are now holding an anti-Hypello grudge. Like it matters to Barkeep...that grin isn't leaving his face for quite some time. Gave me free drinks, too. Ah, what a difference high-impact and close-range shotgun blasts make.

As I write this, I'm sitting in the Bevelle Underground. How did I get there, you ask? Well, let me recap the events for you...

To start it all off, Buddy reconfigured the navigation system, so we never _did _get to kick Leblanc and company off the airship. It's likely not the last chance I'll get, so there are no worries at the moment. Upon reaching Bevelle, we discovered that we're not exactly being embraced by Yevon. After giving the Youth League the sphere from Kilika Temple we became seen as, quoted directly from the mouths of Yevonites; "traitors", "backstabbers", "heathens", "impish fools", "rat bastards", and "really, really hot". Needless to say, the last one's jaw was broken by a, shall we say, "mistimed punch".

After landing, Yevon leaders decided that we were unfit to walk the halls of Bevelle, so they sent Yevon guards after us.

Yevon guards.

_Really_.

That's like throwing marshmallows at a tank and hoping for nuclear destruction, people. It's not gonna happen.

So, after easily dispatching the "soldiers", as they dare to call themselves, we strolled on in to Yevon headquarters to find, well...more soldiers. And more. And more. And _more_. They just kept on coming...especially the Yevon machina. They were like giant metal lemmings. Then, of course, was the obligatory labyrinth-like maze...boy, these people are just _full_ of surprises. Puzzles, puzzles, and more puzzles, all the way down to the Gaol, very close to where I am now, and near which we were finally able to ditch the Syndicate members. Traveling with them wasn't helping my mood much, of course, since they don't fight in battles, they don't dodge traps, and they don't help with any other possible dilemma in this hellish safeguard against intruders. I swear, when I get out of here, I promise that I am going to _kick Baralai's ass._

-Paine, absolute Yevon-hater.


	9. Baralai, and Aeons, and Battles, Oh My!

Welcome back! You thought I ditched it, didn't you? Nope, just taking a break to write some other stories. Check 'em out, if you get the chance.

Now, where was I...hmm...oh, yes: I don't own anything here but Paine's wit and wisdom. Even that can be partially credited to inspiration, I suppose. ...Ahh, who cares. This chapter is a tad more drama and a wee bit less comedy, but don't worry. It's setting the rest of the story up so I can keep going.

Reader: "That's not fair! I'm trying to keep my laughter going!"

JB: "Really, now? I'm trying to keep the _story_ going, you text-whore."

Well, let's proceed, and hope that I haven't lost my muse for cynicism and, as Ikon so nicely puts it, "world-weariness".

Heh.

(JB)

* * *

ENTRY TWENTY NINE: 

I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

Baralai! The only sane friend I had left. Who would have thought? Sure, he seemed a bit uptight and creepy sometimes, but..._attacking _me to protect some Bevellian secret? Yevon...I suppose it's official, now. I'm surrounded by fools, hand-dipped in a big vat of crazy.

Let's start from the best possible place: the beginning.

As Yuna, Rikku and I were walking towards the center of the Bevelle Underground, we ran into Baralai. There was a big speech about Yevon secrecy, not letting us go any farther, and many more lies, followed by the standard fight. I just...I never expected Baralai to be the one friend who would ever turn on me. Sure, he probably has his reasons, but no reason is good enough to betray your friends because of it...right? Right? Right.

...Riiiiiiiiight.

Well, perhaps not. It's a shame, though...I think I just lost one of the oldest friends I have. We'll just have to see, won't we? In the meantime, as I continue to worry, Yuna and Rikku keep pressuring me to reveal more of my "super-mysterious-awesome-wow-holy-fiends!" past. If only that psychotic blonde ball of energy knew what she was delving into. In my opinion, some things are just best kept secrets.

Of course, it takes a little blade friction to convice these two dolts. Don't they _ever_ shut up? Yevon, I think I'll just jump into one of these pits.

Signed,  
A very betrayed Paine.

ENTRY THIRTY:

Question...why did Aeons never turn on Spirians? Because it really seems like they could have kicked our asses with both hands (claws?) tied and poison seeping through their bloodstreams.

We just finished fighting for our pointless lives against what Rikku tells me is an Aeon, which goes by the name of Bahamut. I'll tell you this: if that's the kind of thing Yuna used to have complete control over, I would hate to have met up with her in an alley after Happy Hour.

After fifteen near-death experiences and the complete plucking of two phoenixes for our well-being, we won. We won! I could hardly believe it myself. I think Rikku and Yuna were pleased with the results, as well, as Yuna stood by the fallen Bahamut dancing and Rikku climbed up on top of it, screaming the word "Beeyaaaaaatch!" over and over. Who knows what she was talking about...must have been another sugar trip. I swear, glucose is the very _force_ of her soul. It certainly would explain the hyper voice and dog-paddling movements.

(Paine. Sweet, sweet victory!)

* * *

Sorry, it's short but sweet. At least you know I'm still alive, eh? Better chapters to come. 


	10. Useless Questing? In FF? No Way!

I'll bet you all gave up on me, didn't you? Well, I'm back! MOO HA HA.

JB

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ENTRY THIRTY ONE:

Well, once it had finally sunk in that Oh Shit, We've Killed An Aeon (re-killed, I suppose), Yuna, Rikku and I decided that it would be best to head back to the ship. After, of course, noticing the gigantic smegging _hole_ where Vegnagun was, not to mention contemplating the act of pitching Leblanc's trashy self into it. A seemingly thirty-mile drop never sounded so good.

Brother, of course, felt the need to urge us on, proclaiming that the Super Duper Sphere Hunter Insanity Troupe was, in fact, in a rather severe amount of "doo-doo". Yes, Brother, you are _oh-so-clever_.

When we had boarded the Celcius once more, Buddy informed us that the temples had become infested with fiends. How, I wasn't sure. Didn't quite care, either. Only one thing had gone through my mind…

ME: (Please don't let Yuna volunteer us, please don't let Yuna volunteer us, please don't let Yuna volunteer us…)

YUNA: I'm volunteering us!

ME: (…Damn you. Damn you all to the Farplane.)

BROTHER: _Super_ plan!

RIKKU: Hey…I've got an idea!

NO ONE: -gives a shit-

RIKKU: We'll _charge _for it!

ME: (…Whore.)

Being outnumbered Umpteen Amount Of Imbeciles to One, I obviously had no choice. Just like always. I asked Yuna if she agreed, hoping to false Yevon that she would hate the idea. Of course, since when do things go my way around here? Oh, yes. _Never._

Wait! But that's not all! Call in now and receive _your _needless complications, free of charge! In what seemed like the hopeless situation of the century, both Baralai and Nooj have gone missing. Brother didn't care, mind you. Not his friends lost. Well, let's just see how things go when a certain leader's precious bedtime teddy bear goes missing.

What? How could no one else know that? Isn't it obvious for someone like him?

Whatever. Moving on. It seems that whenever Rikku's mouth opens, my brain itself begins to bleed, as she and Brother continued to discuss the aspects of what to do first, and I began to ram my head against the wall.

Sweet, metallic airship death, please bestow yourself unto me.

Paine. _Help meeeee_.

ENTRY THIRTY TWO:

Putting duty aside, like always, the Gullwing Corporation of Pointlessness decided to take a moment to visit Luca. Which has _no temple at all, whatsoever._ As Buddy so wonderfully put it, "Hm. No reports of fiend activity here". No shit, Sherlock. _Rikku_ could have told me that.

Instead, the citizens of Luca remained blissfully unaware of what was going on around the rest of Spira and chose to occupy themselves with a game known only as Sphere Break. Oh, boy! Math and competitions? Sounds like a god damn _blast!_

…Of course, we just _had_ to enter.

So, Yuna and Rikku displayed an uncharacteristic display of intelligence as they sufficiently smote the other entrants in the tournament, Shinra aside. Although Rikku most humorously was beaten like a rented shoopuf, Yuna _somehow_ managed to defeat Shinra, who proclaimed that his "goggles fogged up". Joy of joys, we get another skimpy dress sphere, Lady Luck. At least I can go gambling now.

Paine. Feelin' Lucky!

ENTRY THIRTY THREE:

The group has continued on, and we've made one more brief stop on the Mi'ihen Highroad. It appears that the machina there that were previously guarding the roads have, in a twist of delicious irony, begun to attack passerby. Knowing Yuna, we simply _had _to help out! I mean, what fun would life be if we didn't stop every five seconds to deliver help to every adult, child, and flan that might possibly need it?

Boy, I should really take a shower or something, I'm simply _dripping_ in sarcasm. Like a cynical marinade.

Well, we destroyed thirteen machina and continued on to the next stop, Rikku complaining all the way that leaving without solving the mystery wasn't a very happy ending for the situation. Taking pride in my restraint, I refrained from beating her into a bloody pulp and simply gave my token Phrase O' Wisdom And Mystery ™.

After that, we all decided to pop in for a brief chat with whoever had taken command at the Youth League HQ. This was, of course, absolutely no one. At least it appeared that way.

People were in shock that their beloved Lord And God Nooj had simply disappeared off the face of Spira, with the exception of Lucil, of course. She had managed to maintain the appearance of someone in complete control of themselves, although she had likely been pissing herself with joy over the fact that she was now, at least temporarily, holding the position of the Youth League leader. I know _I'd_ be pleased to be in charge of a bunch of mindless, snot-nose youths who would do anything I said.

ME: Hey, jump off that cliff, over there.

YOUTH LEAGUE RECRUITS: Yes, Ma'am! awkward salute

Oh, what satisfying day dreams I have. Best escape mechanism in the world, if you ask me. Life can be wonderful when you're not actually living it.

Aside from a lovely little tete-a-tete with Captain/Meyvn/Queen/Who-Knows-What Lucil, we gained the information that Gippal had been to visit the Youth League, and had helped them defend their sorry selves from the influx of fiends with a hot-off-the-drill-press batch of machina. Knowing both this and the fact that the Machine Faction was based in Djose, we had picked our next destination. Surprising as it was to me, the group thought it best to actually go where we should for once. No, not an asylum. Djose Temple.

Paine, the Victim of All Futile Experiences

There. Happy, now? Hope I haven't lost my touch. And yes, I'm well aware that the Sherlock bit was rather out of place. I'm _blanked out_, foo'. Go complain elsewhere.

JB


	11. Become One With The Illegal Substances

A NOTE TO ALL MY FAITHFUL READERS:

Canada Eh  
2005-02-08  
ch 8, reply

DAMN! This story is so good! You HAVE TO KEEP WRITNG OR ELSE! attempts to think of punishment UM, THE PUNISHMENT IS SO HORRIBLE, I DARE NOT UTTER IT ALOUD! Yeah, that's it... Please continue!

PainFighter   
2005-06-13  
ch 10, anon.

hey please hurry up with the next ones!

The Hyper Al Bhed Jokester  
2005-06-30  
ch 4, reply

Hey... You got an email in Yahoo? Email me sometime alright? Cuz, my friend said she chatted with another author one time. I thought that was cool so I wanted to try to chat with my mentor... check my profile to add me alright:D Anyway... Thanks for reading my fics and adding reviews! You have no idea how cool it is to have your mentor give you a review and all... PLUS commenting that you're good! Woohoo! I made one of my mentors laugh!

_You have received a private message from:_

_penname: One Winged Angel of Destruction  
profile: __http/ have you been, WRITE!_

_--------------------  
Do not reply to this email. Visit member's profile to reply back._

Well, you did it. Thanks to all your strange, obsessive, Kathy-Bates-in-_Misery­_ styled tendencies towards my work, I've been compelled to write another chapter. Again. Just promise not to break my legs with a sledgehammer when I try to escape.

In addition to this, I am dedicating this chapter to my real-life friend Molly Zigler, who managed to find this POS and show it to all my friends, thereby ruining any coolness I may have ever had outside of the intarwebs. Kudos, biatch!

Also, yes…it is true that I started writing this on a dare for $20. And now, none of you will ever let me go until I finish it. I even tried to scare you all off with a chapter written terribly on purpose coughcoughnumbersixcough. So, I must finish. I feel obligated to do so, just for you. _Now don't you feel **special**?_

Alright, on with the show!

-JB

--------------------------------

**ENTRY THIRTY FOUR:**

Well, here I am again. We've just boarded the airship again to go to Djose from Mushroom Rock Road. Why we couldn't just _walk_, I have no idea. I mean, I could have spat off the top of the Youth League HQ and hit the temple without even trying. However, in my time with the Gullwings, I've learned to stop asking questions and just let the mind-numbing insanity take me wherever it may flow.

Anyways, we flew an amazingly long twenty feet north to Djose, just so Gippal could tell us what I could have already figured out: Djose is fine, they don't need any help, the machina are working properly, the Machine Faction is all in order, and he's having a secret love affair with Baralai.

Not really. I just made that last part up.

Like always, Rikku and Gippal just had to have a precious little Sphere Recorder Moment and waste all our time with another one of their little cid's-girl-is-cute-stop-hitting-on-me-we'd-make-such-an-adorable-couple-shut-up-you-creep-oh-you're-just-denying-it-so-what-if-i-am conversations. Those arguments are just laden with the most vomit-inducing sexual tension anyone will ever see. I swear, if I have to pretend to pay attention to Rikku's rants in which she denies any sort of affection towards Gippal one more time, I will be forced to drug them both. Possibly even put them in the same room at an inn so that when they wake up, Rikku beats the crap out of Gippal for supposedly taking advantage of her. Wow, this drugging plan is sounded better by the minute…

-Paine. Ether is your friend.

**ENTRY THIRTY FIVE:**

On to the Moonflow we go.

Because Yuna simply _has_ to cover all of Spira to make sure that not one person is unhappy, we were all forced to tag along to Tobli's little show. I could barely understand what he was saying, same as always, but I was able to pull out the words "climactic passion".

Ew.

This was made all the more creepier when he got the bright idea to throw Yuna up on stage. Now, I don't know about you, but to me, the words "Yuna" and "climactic passion" should never exist in the same thought process. Being the only one among us to realize what was going on, I urged Yuna to get the hell out of dodge, and quickly. I, for one, wasn't about to be dragged up on some stage set up on a giant shoopuf along with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbass. Guh…those things give me the creeps. The shoopufs, mind you, not Yuna and Rikku, but I suppose they have a tendency to weird me out just as often. Yuna, attention whore that she is, shrugged it off by saying that it "might be fun". Why couldn't she save me some trouble and kill my dignity off quickly by just waving her hand at me dismissively and saying "Pssh_aaaaw! _Embarrassment is for _sane_ people!". Sweet Yevon, when will things ever go _my_ way?

Oh, that's right.

_Never._

I was able to maintain some sort of control by just standing there, arms folded, and not letting in to the side of me that is starting to actually _agree_ with them. They _do_ seem to be getting more and more tolerable each and every day. Either they're becoming less crazy, or my state of mind is deteriorating. Unfortunately, I think it might be a little bit of both.

Now if you'll excuse me, journal, I must go practice some karaoke for tonight's break at the Celsius's bar in order to "fit in" a little more with Yuna and Rikku. I guess I should at least _try_ to be more friendly.

Oh, Yevon, who am I _kidding?_ Karaoke? Friendly? They're turning me into another person. A kinder person. A happier person. An…an _open_ person.

…Help me.

-_Hold me closer, tiny daaaaanceeerrr…_

**ENTRY THIRTY SIX:**

Bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, _bored._

Last night wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I guess the alcohol content of Barkeep's "Hypello Highball" helped me with that. When you've got three shots of 80 proof liquor in you, the excessively angsty songs that Brother writes about his forbidden love to the girl crying her eyes out in the corner over _her_ forbidden love seem a lot less…suicide-inducing. Plus, it's fun to see how many little plastic umbrellas you can stick in Rikku's hair before she slides off the bar or regains consciousness. I'm beginning to see that liquor is an amazingly great way to deal with day to day life as a sphere hunter.

Pounding headaches aside, I was able to ignore all my sensitivity to light and sound in order to move on to Bikanel Desert, the land of endless bright sunshine and extremely loud, repetitive drilling noises.

Oh, joy.

Once we arrived there, we discovered that once again, help was needed. Evidently, things can never run smoothly around Bikanel, because this time they were caught up in a real shitstorm of political conflict with a place called the "Cactuar Nation", to whom they had only recently established "diplomatic ties". Tell you what: if you're crazy enough to form a treatise with a bunch of cactuses, please mail me a small quantity of whatever drugs you are taking, and I'll be grateful forever to you for revealing to me the secret behind Spira's insanity.

But, I digress. This "Cactuar Nation" had its very own language, which only one man could speak…a short, annoying little man who simply had to follow us everywhere. Benzo, meet my last nerve. Last nerve, this is Benzo. He'll be working with you for the next few weeks.

For all I know, these cactuars could be telling us the reason for all life and existence and he could just translate it into whatever he wanted. "Get out of my territory" becomes "My name is Marnela". "Seriously, get off my land right now" becomes "Please find the 10 gatekeepers". "I swear, I'm going to blow that tiny man's head off if he calls me 'grandma' one more time" becomes "You're our only hope for salvation". At least, that's what I think she's saying. All that weird chirping and squeaking sounds the same to me.

Must be why Benzo feels the need to end every translation with "That's the gist of it".

Speaking of which, that whole phrase…it's getting so…so aggravating! It's as though he needs to speak it to live. Of course, that also leads to the same sort of concept I had back when I first started all this "Gullwing" stuff, which is a bet to see how long he can go without saying it. It's a little different than our current one…I'm still winning, since I haven't even mentioned or thought about using the name Ti…

Whoa, nearly lost it there. Whew. Close one.

Long story short, we're now on a sort of a little helper monkey mission to get these cactuar "Gatekeepers" back to the Cactuar Nation. Another way to waste time? Meh, I'm used to it by now.

-Paine, tag-along in a trio of tasteless trials.

--------

Wooohooooo! Done with that, for now. Hope you're all happy. I can't buy the rights to the stuff I've used (because I'm in CHAPTER ELEVEN HAHAHA GET IT LOLOLOL!111!SHIFT!ONE!12!SATANLIVES!121), so I've gotta give credit to Square Enix, for the use and abuse of their characters, and to that dude who wrote the "Tiny Dancer" song. I forget his name.

Also, since you're all so seemingly hungry for sarcasm and snarkiness, I recommend you find even more things like this story. Have any of you ever heard of VideoGameRecaps? Go forth and find it, I say, because waiting for _me_ to be funny...well, we've all seen how disappointing that can be, now, haven't we?

-JB


	12. Drunk Again, aka I'm Reusing This Joke

Congratulations, you've done it again! You have all succeeded into frightening me into writing more of this tripe with your reviews and your emails and your obsession and your DEAR GOD YOU PEOPLE GO OUTSIDE ONCE IN A WHILE.

Tripe's a fun word. So is rumple, if you think about it. Just...say it out loud with me. Rumple.

Rrrrrrrrumple.

Rumple rumple rumple.

Alright, before I turn into the Hamburglar, let's keep this twelve-chapter freak show on track.

Now that all our IQs have dropped a few dozen points, let's move on with the brain rotting story you've been following so far known as FFX-2 (made tolerable). Also, have any of you played blitzball in this one and seen Paine do that weird dodge thing where she just kind of rotates in a windmill fashion? Her body doesn't even move, it just...flips up and down. Like someone tied her to a _dowel._

Thought it was worth mentioning. Now, let's _kick the beat!_

(I do not own any of these characters, Square, Enix, Squenix, Ms. Jackson, Outkast, or that game where I got "let's kick the beat" from. Just...so you know.)

-JB

---------------------------------------------------

**ENTRY THIRTY EIGHT:**

As I write this, there is a man screaming at the wall behind me, an underpaid busboy scrubbing the counter, a ring on the opposite page from a half-full beer mug, three old men playing cards even though none remember the rules, and a drunken hypello softly humming the words to a song long forgotten by the rest of the world.

I am in a bar in Luca, and I am in heaven.

I convinced Buddy to let me sneak off the ship while the others tried to figure out where that first Cactuar is. Knowing their combined brain power without Shinra helping, it probably shouldn't take long.

Scratch that, damn it. Buddy just beeped into my communicator to let me know that not only have they found three of them, but that they have also _finally _noticed that I'm missing. It's still going to take about fifteen minutes for them to get here, but there's one more Cactuar left to get, so I better prepare, evidently. To me, this "preparation" entails about three shots of Al Bhed Beer Bombs, another Hypello Highball, and about a pint of lager. My liver is a _rock. _Alright, lemme just call over the bartender, and I'll see if this helps me dull the desire to dash my brains out on the counter.

alrigh i got my drinks an i feeel lot beter cuz i drunk em in like two second an i was waitin like ten minues jus see what happen an im jus so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

-baine o wait hah hah

**ENTRY THIRTY EIGHT:**

On the ship again. Yevon, I gotta learn to stop getting completely wasted on the job. I mean, I know it's probably the best way to ignore how much I both hate and, strangely enough, _enjoy _my job, but still. I'm going to die from alcohol poisoning before I hit 25. Yuna tells me they came to pick me up two _days _ago and I haven't been conscious enough to do anything until now. At least they waited until I was in good enough shape to get off the ship and help. Everyone was gracious enough to see that, oh hey, you guys, Paine's drunk, maybe we shouldn't do this now. Except Brother.

Bastard.

We just went to find some of those Gatekeepers, and believe you me, it wasn't easy. I didn't even get to do anything...I just kind of sat back and laughed as Yuna managed to miss _every single shot. _The best part was when she managed to not only miss the target, but hit a cliff. A cliff that was _behind her._ She tried to shake it off and salvage some dignity, making herself look "cool" by spinning her guns around a couple times after it was all said and done, but she ended up just shooting herself in the knee. I'm telling you, there was blood _everywhere._ (Un)fortunately, Rikku was able to whip out a potion just in time, so she ended up being just fine. I still hurt from trying to hold in laughter the whole way back to the airship, though. I actually laughed so hard that I cried onto the pages, so some of the words are gonna end up smeared. Oh well, it's not like I don't know what it sablrghfnd----...damn it.

-No. Not now. Headache.

**ENTRY THIRTY NINE:**

Well, after we found out that the last Cactuar's mother isn't going to talk for a while more, we decided to get back to the real, more urgent, more _life threatening _task at hand, which is trying to control those damned Aeons. I never knew just how amazingly powerful those damn things were until I fought one...I'm telling you, after a trek that long to all the temples in Spira, including the store O'aka had in Macalania, those things can kick some _major _ass. Wow. I mean, seriously. I may jibe Yuna a lot about how terrible a fighter she is, but if she used to have _control _over those things...

Wow.

I mean, just..._wow. _

I think I need to sit down for a while.

We've just received a message that finally, Gippal has admitted that they can't control their Aeon, so I guess it's just this one last trip out and then that's all of them. What makes it worse is that this one evidently has a great power over lightning, Rikku's greatest fear. She says she's gotten over it, but the damn girl is obviously still scared to death. She's shaking so hard that Barkeep put a margarita mixer on her head and is utilizing her current state to make himself some beverages. They're quite good, he claims. I've decided that, after a few days ago, I don't really feel like drinking enough to puke all over the deck, so I had to turn down his offers of sharing a few drinks with him. This crew is really spending way too much time getting shitfaced. He was probably just trying to get me drunk enough to get into my pants...OH SWEET YEVON EW OH NO NO NO NOOOOO

Wow. Okay.

Evidently, I don't need liquor to vomit up the entire contents of my digestive system.

Shaking that thought out of my mind, we're almost there. I'll write again after this is all done. I can't promise it'll be a long entry, but...

I...I just...

I'm sorry, I can't get that image out of my head. I need a moment. Hypello sex...I shudder at the thought. Man, screw Barkee..._oh no no no_ _not like that. _

-Ewwwww.

**ENTRY FORTY:**

Oh no.

Oh no.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Yuna is gone.

It was...I mean, it was all going so well...we had...we were just...and the Aeon...and...and then...

I'm sorry, let me compose myself. I can't do this, not now, of all times.

Yuna was...after we defeated that Aeon, I think Ixion was its name, we went to check out this hole that had appeared...I mean, there was a hole at each of these damned temples...and she just got curious and...she lost her grip...what I'm trying to say is...Yuna...she fell in.

She's gone.

We don't know if she made it to the bottom alive, or what happened after she fell at all...Shinra ended up throwing a commsphere into the hole, but it never did receive a signal...at least, not yet...

I just, I just don't believe it. I know I didn't like Yuna that much...she and Rikku were two of the most annoying people I've ever met, and she was always _too _giving, and she wasn't that great or useful at all in battle, but nonetheless...I guess...I guess she was my friend. I suppose that's what I'd consider her, one of my friends. This is one of the few times in my life that I'm actually worried about someone else, so I suppose that she _is_ important, somehow. Maybe...maybe I've been taking this all for granted. Maybe I should open up to people more often. Maybe, just maybe, I was wrong about her, Rikku, and the rest of the Gullwings this whole damn time.

God, I need a drink.

-Paine.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

OMG SUSPENSE! At least, it would be if we didn't all know that Yuna makes it out alive. Unless I just spoiled that for you. In which case, what the _hell _are you doing here?

I know it ended on a sadder note, but I figured there should be at least one entry where Paine has some revelation that would actually _explain _how they got her to open up in the last parts of the game. I tried to let on gradually that she was tolerating the others more and more, then instantly reverting back to hating them, but I just got fed up with it and decided to do it in the last entry.

I know you'll all start emailing me again, but that's alright, I've grown accustomed to it. Open my inbox, read mail from my family, read mail from my friends, read about how I can enlarge my penis, read about how I can enlarge my breasts, read mail from fans. Fans who, by the way, don't seem to want the chapter to end. In which case, they won't have to finish reading the chapter if they just don't finish this sentence.


	13. And Now, A Kodak Moment

Here, just for all y'alls mamas, it's a Happy Mother's Day update. At least, it was Mother's Day when I started writing it. Don't thank me, thank the boring conversations my mother and grandmother are having. Oh, family shunning and antisociality! How productive and counterproductive you can be.

I expect to randomly start typing lyrics this chapter, as I am cranking up the ol' iTunes while I write, so don't get all pissed if I'M SORRY MISS JACKSON, **_WHOOOOO_**

I AM FO' _REEE-AAAAL_.

…

You saw _nothing._

-JB

---------------------------------------------------

**ENTRY FORTY ONE:**

This tension is killing me.

We just keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting for something to happen. Brother refuses to leave Djose, assuming that Yuna is just going to shoot up out of that hole like some kind of ditzy pop-up book insert. Pull the little paper tab on the side to hear her self-narrate!

At least one of us is thinking straight, because Shinra's bright idea to pitch one of those commsphere things he made down into the hole is shaping up to be somewhat promising. We haven't gotten a response back yet, but he's still tinkering with it, and trying different frequencies to see if maybe he just calibrated it wrong or something. At least, that's what he said he was doing. For all I know, he could be trying to pick up free spherecasts. Not a bad idea, actually…maybe I'll try that. Give me something to do during all this waiting. Really, all this sitting around and hoping for the best is driving me insane…Yuna, just hurry up and give some kind of signal. Something, anything! We're dyin' up here!

-BORED

**ENTRY FORTY TWO:**

Well, still no sign of Yuna. We've tried traveling to the other holes, but we got nothing more than emptiness and Buddy pitching things in to see how long it took to hit the bottom. Unfortunately, we never heard a single sound back…well, except the screams of that one guy he kicked into the hole. But that was just funny. You know, you'd think I'd have more sensitivity to that now, seeing as how that's how I lost both a teammate and a, dare I say it…_friend…_but no one seemed to like that guy anyways, so I guess it's alright. We actually got applause for it, and Yuna got some company in the hole. See? Everyone wins!

Brother is trying to rappel down into the hole, proclaiming his undying love for Yuna in Al Bhed the whole way down. I've said it before, and I'll say it again:_ eww._

Hmm, looks like he ran out of line. I can see him over the edge of the hole…he's just kind of dangling there. Heh. Hold on, lemme try something.

Aww, _damn._ Rikku caught me before I could cut the line. At least I got the chance to grab the rope and swing him into the side walls of the hole first. She seemed really apathetic about stopping me, but then realized the last thing that Yuna needed, should she still be down there, was to be trapped with Brother. Hence, the stopping. Oh, well. It did give her a much needed giggle, though. This whole thing is just far too serious for someone as hyper and energetic as Rikku to handle. She'll probably start talking to herself, soon enough. Hoo boy, _that'll _be fun. Like we could even deal with one Rikku. Now we'll have one out here, and one more in her head. _Beautiful._

-Paine. Split personalities are for fools.

**ENTRY FORTY THREE:**

That's it. We've snapped. We've all _snapped._

Rikku is talking to an old picture of Yuna, Shinra keeps sketching little pictures of her on his invention plans, and Brother had a cardboard cutout made of her. Which, I guess, isn't too far off for Brother. Boy's got _problems._

Even I'm having some issues with this. I mean, who am I going to sigh and shake my head at now? Rikku? If I focused on just her, my head would snap off my neck from excessive movement. Besides, Yuna was the only other (relatively) sane person on this damned ship. I'm even starting to get _used _to all the crazy in her absence. We really needed someone like her to balance out all the wackos on board. Shinra still hasn't given up hope, thankfully, and same with Buddy. In fact, I think Buddy is taking this the best. Perhaps he, like me, just finds Brother's frustration humorous. Sometimes we even hold drinking games based on it. Every time Brother can't form a complete sentence because of his current mood, we take a shot. Tried it last night, nearly died. Mmm, overconsumption.

Still, though, they're sweeping Spira looking for one girl who just couldn't manage to stay away from a damned _hole. _You'd think someone would know better than to kneel over a deep, endless gap, and _lean forward, _but noooo. I know I shouldn't be taking this out on her or anything, but Yevon, it's really all starting to drive me _nuts. _Hopefully these monitors we've got set up will catch something soon, but who knows? At this rate, we've found everything _but _an ex-summoner. Well…we _did _find Isaaru just kind of hanging out. Turns out he managed to get a break from working for Cid to go check out the old temples. Told us he was just curious about it, but it looked to us like he was trying out his weird gameshow host voice out on the pit to see if it would echo. Funny, sure, but also just a little bit sad.

I'll write more later, we're getting a call to the bridge. Something must be up…

-Paine.

**ENTRY FOURTY FOUR:**

We found her!

I can't believe it, we actually _found _her! What a damn _relief. _Finally, life can go on, and we know she's at least safe.

Funny how we found her, actually. Buddy was sort of just browsing over Spira, checking all those holes while Shinra scanned for any signs of her. She suddenly just sort of…_appeared. _Right next to the hole in Bevelle. Strange, huh? I guess all those holes really _are _linked.

I guess it's true that you don't realize just how much you miss something until it's gone, because whereas before I was really starting to miss having her around, her return has lead to more cutesy crap between her and Rikku, which is beginning to regrow some of that good ol' frustration and muddled hatred. Not to mention she won't stop babbling on and on…something about "him" and seeing some guy who looked like him, and how he was some horrible memory, how she needed to bring peace back to him, insert sappy fool emotions here. As if the whole "grrl power" thing wasn't enough. Talk about salt in your wounds.

Ahh, I guess I should give the poor girl a break. She's spent a long time down in that hole, which she _claims _leads to the Farplane. Makes sense, I suppose…all those holes _should_ go to the same place, if they're linked. Told us the whole story behind this Lenne person, too. Evidently, she was the girl from the Songstress dress sphere, and she lost her true love, who is apparently this guy she met down on the Farplane. Kind of a sad story, to tell you the truth. I was never one for emotion, but the whole story even tugged on _my _heartstrings, a little bit.

The thing that really gets me is what she told me afterwards.

When she was down there, she…she saw Gippal and Nooj. Worse than that, they gave her a couple of spheres. I haven't had the chance to watch them yet, but that's not the most important thing right now. I don't know if it was all the stress lately, or if I just feel safer around these people, but for some reason, and who knows why...I just, you know…I guess something just made me _open up _to her. And once I started, it was hard to stop. I told her everything…well, almost everything, anyways. The Crimson Squad, knowing the three guys before, going off on my own to try and figure things out. She doesn't know quite everything yet, however, so she still doesn't really understand it. I guess I don't either, to tell the truth.

Thankfully, and I say this rarely about her appearances, Rikku showed up to break the tension a bit. I managed to keep her somewhat out of the loop about all this, but I doubt that she won't find out from Yuna. I don't really mind, at this point, anyways. I'm getting more used to them. Laughing, talking, joking around…just like the guys and I used to.

Maybe this whole thing is for the better. They're all finding out more and more about me every day, regardless of what I have to say about it. Hell, they even know I speak Al Bhed, now. It'll be pointless to keep up this shield from here on out, no matter how much I want to, so I might as well get a little friendlier. And besides…this_ is _getting to be rather fun, at any rate. Who knows? This whole ordeal just might be making me into a whole new person. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

-Paine, new and improved.

* * *

Awwwww. 

God, I hate sappy things. But still, it had to be done, and at least I managed to do it without sounding like some kind of retarded teenybopper. I'm clueless enough as it is about most things. Here, this recent conversation of mine will prove it:

ANONYMOUS FRIEND: "...Actually, to be honest with you, I spent most of our sixth grade year struggling with my sexuality."  
JB: "Are you _kidding_ me! I remember spending most of sixth grade wondering if Ziggy Stardust was a real _person. _"

There you have it. And if you don't know who Ziggy Stardust is, well, you can just go straight to a David-Bowie-free hell. At least I'm not bursting into song again, but to me, that just says that I've GOT TO LET YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO LET YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ONE OF MY KIIIIND oh god damn it.

-JB


	14. Can You Hear Me Now? Well, Damn

To celebrate my hundredth review of HCJOP for the _third time, _I'm putting up this chapter. So much I wanted to do this summer, and yet here I am with hardly any of it completed. Bah. Unforeseen complications and laziness do not progression make.

Here's a fun drinking game for those above the age limit: reread the last chapter, and every time you see the word hole(s), take a drink! Remember, if you die of alcohol poisoning, that means one less person depending on me! Yay!

Huh huh.

"Hole".

Enough of that crap. Just sit back and read this already.

-JB

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**ENTRY FOURTY-FIVE: **

Oh, well, THIS was a fun day.

Ever since I told Yuna up on the deck that we should try and forget about what's happened to us in the past and move on, Rikku's been bugging me about whether or not I'll leave the Gullwings...same for Yuna, too. Got on my nerves so damn much, I ended up exploding at Brother in Al Bhed. Eh, the fool had it coming, anyways.

Apparently, without Nooj, Gippal, and Baralai, Spira has its collective head up its ass and is basically coming apart at the seams without them. We've decided to use Shinra's little "Commsphere" device to try and contact everyone, and so far, we've only found out about Besaid and Kilika. Besaid seems to be fine, what with Beclem still hanging around and all. He may be an ass, but he's an _effective _ass. That Wakka and his little baby haulin' sack of buckles are doing okay, too, it seems. Just peachy on the island, I guess.

Now, Kilika...that's another story.

That Dona woman had the nerve to abduct our Commsphere and have her own little conversation with us. Didn't even return it to where it was! I don't know about anybody else on this ship, but I don't want to have to see Madame Thongstrap every time I turn on the computer console. I swear, it's like she's wearing a damn _rubber band _for clothes.

Well, there's still plenty of places left to check, but hopefully it won't take too long. I mean, it's not like everyone is going to have something to say, or speak for very long, or need us to check back multiple times, right?

Right?

-...I'm right.

**ENTRY FOURTY SIX:**

Shoot me.

Shoot me _now. _

I hate commspheres, I hate Shinra, I hate computers, I hate people, I hate talking, I hate listening, I hate it hate it hate it hate it _hate it._

_Haaaaaate. _

Why does everyone feel the need to give me their damn life story whenever they see a commsphere lying on the ground! And why is there _always someone there! _Does nobody in Spira have anything better to do! No wonder you're all in a panic, you're just sitting around on your asses talking to a glass ball!

For Yevon's sake, people! It's not even _shiny!_

...Okay. Out of my system. I'm fine...I'm good. I'm just sick and tired of all these people prattling on and on and on and on and on about their problems, wherever they are. Spira's a mess! We already know! _Now go do something productive!_

Alright. I guess it wasn't out of my system.

Feeling better now. Moving on.

This is as good a time as any to explain that the Youth League, absent of a leader, has decided to go full throttle and attack the New Yevon forces before they "make a move". Apparently, old men in robes who have a hard time remembering their own name are a huge threat to the inhabitants of Mushroom Rock Road. Checking to see if New Yevon was doing the same, we found nothing more than Maroda spying on the opposing side, trying to get some information. He claimed it was the easiest thing to do and that he could walk around, completely exposed, because New Yevon was in such terrible condition after losing Baralai. No, Maroda, I'd say it's because your enemies can't hobble in your direction fast enough. They might have time to menacingly shake a cane at you, though.

I do have to wonder what happened to him, though. He was eventually spotted by guards, which he honestly should have seen coming...I mean, he was sitting down on the ground, cross-legged, in the _open_, wearing his Youth League clothes. I tell you, the man is the very _picture_ of obviousness.

-Paine. At least I'm sneakier than Maroda.

**ENTRY FORTY-SEVEN:**

Oh Yevon.

I am an idiot.

Idiot, idiot, _idiot. _

After finding out that all of Spira's leaders are missing, we took a break from the Commpshere sessions to try and figure out a plan. When nobody else could think of a solution that would bring Spira back together, I _sarcastically _replied with the idea of singing campfire songs.

_Stupid. _

I can't believe Brother took me seriously on that! What the hell! Well...I suppose it's believable he'd want Yuna to get up on stage in a skimpy outfit and dance around, and that Rikku is just hyped for anything that sounds OH WOW FUN, so I guess I should be most surprised in Buddy and Shinra. Shinra's only excuse is a chance to practice his techie stuff, and Buddy...well...Buddy doesn't even _have _an excuse.

Yevon, am I going to hate this.

At least I won't have to get up on stage and sing along...I _hope. _

...Oh sweet Yevon. Do _not _let Rikku hear that idea. I swear, if she even _tries _to pull me up on a stage in front of all Spira, I...I...aaaaargh!

-Kill._ Now_.

--------------

There you go. Hope you played the drinking game and are now as wasted as my intelligence!

There's one line in particular I'll be stealing from a friend when it comes time for Yuna's SOOPER STAR PURR4MANCE, and I cannot wait to use it. Just so she knows that she is forever going to be a part of the fanfiction universe she pokes so much fun at...

**Hello, Molly! I'm using your joke! Your joke is in fanfiction! I'm the one making cash off it! Your words are immortalized in writing alongside high school fiction, impossible sexual positions, and shitty stories about vampires! **

_**HOW DOES IT FEEL, BITCH **_

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now you know what my life is like.

-JB


End file.
